As it is Mental Health Awareness week, I wanted to share with you my story in watching my eldest daughter fall apart with her mental health, and road to getting the help and support she so desperately needed.
This all started ten years ago when she was struggling mentally and emotionally, she went to see her GP who prescribed her antidepressants. Over the years she went onto get married and have three beautiful children (my grandchildren), however she started to struggle more frequently. This was put down to childbirth and possibly post-natal depression initially, however my Daughter was insistent that this wasn’t the case as she recognised she was having periods when she would feel ok, but she was also having periods where she would be angry and unable to emotionally regulate herself.
June 2019 things came to a head, I went to their home to visit and could sense things weren’t right (call it mother’s intuition) but you just know don’t you!! She sat down next to me and just crumbled in front of me, what she said next just broke my heart, she said “ I can’t live like this anymore Mum I just don’t want to feel like this anymore, I would rather not be here”. She looked broken, and that in turn broke me (but not yet!! I had things to do).
I held my daughter like I used to do when she was small and needed reassurance, and told her she didn’t have to suffer like this, and I would do everything in my power to get her the help she so clearly needed. She gave me permission to speak to her GP surgery, so I don’t mind telling you this I frog marched up to the surgery and demanded to speak with a GP who had experience in Mental Health. I was told that the GP’s at the surgery didn’t have any Mental Health experience, however they did have a Mental Health Practitioner. I was a given an appointment within the week and that’s when things started to change.
Watching my daughter sitting telling someone how she feels day to day and being in unbearable emotional pain, unable to sit still or stop crying was I think one of the worse things I have endured as a Mother. Listening to how she was using alcohol as an emotional crutch just to feel “normal” for just a short amount of time gave me a sense of just how low she had got.
Agreement to change medication as after 10 years on the same one and on the highest dose (which wasn’t having any affect), the journey started by reducing old medication, this in itself was tough. She made the decision to reduce to lowest dose while on holiday as she wouldn’t have any stress to contend with.
A referral was made to psychological services and within 48 hours she had had a telephone consultation and within 2 weeks her first face to face appointment for therapy. Her therapist turned out to be her guardian angel and this changed everything for my daughter, because when she uttered the word to her therapist “I’m not depressed I know I’m not, there’s something else going on”, her therapist said “ I believe you, I don’t think you’re depressed” This was music to my daughter’s ears.
However despite her being in the sun with her family and friends, on her return she hugged me with everything she had and told me that it was too stressful being too far away. Her vulnerability clear for all to see.
October 2019 First appointment with Psychiatry, she was encouraged to keep a journal, and medication changed as while she hadn’t got a diagnosis she was displaying some signs of Bi- Polar. New medication started, review in 8 weeks as I didn’t know that getting medication right is a real balancing act from someone functioning or not. While my Daughter was struggling, she was functioning at same level.
December 2019 D Day finally she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. She came out of her appointment hugging her journal like her life depended on it (a sight that always made me cry) and burst into tears with great relief. She just kept saying “after all this time Mum finally”.
January 2020 the day after I arrived home from New Zealand after seeing my other daughter, 5.20pm (yes I remember the time) my daughter text me asking if I would go to the Doctors with her for a 5.45pm appointment. My response was “I will be there”, I walked in the surgery to find her rocking on the chairs in the waiting room unable to speak. My heart sank!
When asked why she had gone she just said “I’m desperate and didn’t know what else to do” feeling those old feelings of not wanting to be here. I could see her getting extremely agitated and the GP didn’t appear to pick up on this, so in true lioness protective mode, I insisted she did something and quick. My daughter a Mother of 3 was desperate and wasn’t coping, that while talking about exercise and diet may help down the line, right now we were in crisis and we needed support.
Since that appointment my daughter’s medication has been increased and currently she is doing ok, but we know as a family that she will need support at times of emotional dysregulation.
We have had some very honest conversations because we recognised the importance of talking about the good stuff and the not so good stuff.
One of the challenges of mental health is the numerous ways it affects and impacts on families. For my daughter the avoidance of paying bills, not opening mail, spending money that wasn’t there, not speaking to her husband or other family members meant that financially they got into a mess.
By supporting them as a family they will get back on track, the big learning for my daughter has been her mental health being a priority for her, because that way her children and husband get the better version of her.
She is the most amazing 34 year-old woman who has suffered enormously, and if I could have take her place to endure her suffering I would do it in a heart beat!!! But her mental health doesn’t define all of her it is just a part of her that needs more nurture and understanding and that is work in progress.
So for anyone who is suffering right now, reach out to someone, anyone, start talking, it doesn’t matter if things don’t make sense because your head feels like “mush”. Trust that the other person will help you make sense of things.
I hope that by sharing my experience that I will give someone the courage to reach out whether you are struggling yourself or watching a loved one suffer, we can help you.
https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/campaigns/mental-health-awareness-week
Andrea Whittaker-Ward
Counsellor, Clinical Supervisor and Wellbeing Trainer
Email: wellness-consultancy@outlook.com