What is a healthy relationship? What do we need to do to keep a good one alive and happy?
The past year has put a lot of pressure on our relationships, as our coping strategies we may have used to decompress a situation or feeling, has been removed due to the pandemic. The space we may have created before hasn’t been available to us in the same way.
What makes for a healthy romantic relationship differs from couple to couple. Developing and maintaining a trusting and positive partnership takes effort and time. Unfortunately, it doesn’t just happen overnight. For any relationship to grow strong and stay strong, you need to put in some work, not only in the initial stages but throughout the time you have together.
A common theme in relationships when things start to go wrong is communication. It becomes harder to communicate with someone where things have become tense and awkward, and especially when both parties feel they are in the right.
Another potential issue is when couples have had very different upbringings, their moral compass, and goals may be the same but depending on their early life experiences may determine how they communicate. Someone who experienced some level of early trauma may fear conflict and experience a raised voice for example as something to fear, shutting down any ability to speak.
Statistics suggest that one in every two marriages ends up in a separation and then divorce. The reason for separation might vary; however, there are some common ones including the inability to forgive, built-up resentment, financial pressure, poor communication, built-up resentment, and intimacy issues.
When such issues occur in a marriage, the couple is under pressure to come up with a solution. Most often, the solution couples decide on is separation. However, it is important to remember that while separation or divorce might seem like the best solution, it does affect the children, the spouse, and the people around in negative ways.
The main reasons for separation are:
- Communication
- Infidelity
- Financial problems
- Lack of effort and investment
When it comes to addressing issues in a relationship a lot of people choose to ignore ‘the elephant in the room’ and carry on in their own individual ways. Covid may have magnified these issues where it feels they can no longer be ignored, especially if both parties have been working from home, and it has been difficult to put some space between you to take time to reflect on what’s happening in the relationship.
The research on the impact on relationships in lockdown has highlighted the difficulty that the lack of healthy outlets and distractions has had on our relationship dynamics. Our inability to see other people, go out to work and do our normal routines has caused problems which were under the surface to flare up.
Healthy relationships require compromise from both parties, and a desire to listen and hear what the other person is trying to say. This can be challenging as we all have our own perspectives on situations, so negotiating time for each other to talk is crucial when working through difficult periods in our relationships. Try taking turns to listen to each other for 5 minutes without interrupting. Set a timer and give a minute’s silence before the other person starts to talk.
Having worked with couples over the years, a reoccurring theme is ‘misreading’ what the other person is saying, and not checking out with their partner that what they heard was what they actually meant. This can be particularly prevalent when stress is a factor in one’s lives, as we only tend to hear and see things through a tunnelled lens. In addition, there can be a lack of intimacy, not only sexual, but the basic things like touch, cuddling on the sofa, hugs.
In therapy, once couples have that third person to hear both parties without judgement or criticism, offering other possibilities it is surprising how communication opens up. What couples come to realise is that part of the problem is not making time for them, due to life circumstances, children, and work pressures, resulting in a work/life imbalance.
It’s easy to say “there is no time for us”, a mindset easily justified in a busy life. However my question to you is, do you love your partner and want to be with them for as long as you can? My belief is that you CAN create time, and by doing so demonstrate your commitment to your relationship not only working but blossoming in a meaningful way.
It’s really important to remember who you are as a couple and that you were a couple before you became just Mum or Dad. While these roles are important, it is crucial to build time in, to nurture your own relationship with your partner.
So how can these things be achieved?
We need to acknowledge that having caring responsibilities, work pressures and day to day living takes away spontaneity, BUT it is important to plan time for you as a couple, it can be as simple as going out for tea or for a walk, sitting in the garden together, watching a programme you both enjoy. Try turning phones off, having no distractions and reconnecting with each other in a way that isn’t possible within the home.
Listen to what each other is saying and notice how they are saying it. While you may not agree with everything the other person is saying try to be patient. Respect that it is their perspective and as such it holds value.
Remember why you fell in love with your partner in the first place, what qualities you love about them. Reminiscing about ‘the old days’ can help in reconnecting with those warm fuzzy feelings you have about your partner. Sitting and looking at photos together of happy moments such as holidays and special times.
Andrea Whittaker-Ward
BACP Accredited Counsellor
Self help resources
4 Reasons for Separation in Marriage and How to Overcome Them | Marriage.com
Why Lockdown Meant Make Or Break For Some Relationships | HuffPost UK Life (huffingtonpost.co.uk)
Take a look at Relate’s Stop Arguing Start Talking self help book
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0091856698/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_glt_fabc_87PRJDN951K5K4FNMN8H
Our website has lots of helpful resources for dealing with relationship issues